Follow Mouse Makes and his adventures through the Bible!
Giving up for Lent
At the end of the pre-Lent sermon, the vicar suggested, as an example to the rest of the community, that the congregation should worship in an unheated church for the whole of Lent. As they made their way into the chill Sunday air the vicar addressed one member of the congregation, asking what she had decided to give up for Lent. “Church,” she replied firmly.
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Blessing
One Sunday, when my granddaughter was about two years old, her daddy and mummy made their Communion at my local church and took her up with them for a blessing. Arriving back in our pew she said in a loud voice: “Granny, the man has said his prayers on my head, and he has a lovely dress on.”
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Sick
During a church service my young niece had to go outside, as she did not feel well. She returned a few minutes later and admitted: ‘I have been a little sick. But it doesn’t matter, there’s a box at the door marked ‘for the sick’.”
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In a sack
Seen in a church magazine: “Bring your old newspapers (and your neighbours), put them in a sack and tie them if possible.”
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Wages
Advert for a new minister: ‘Wages not high, but retirement benefits out of this world.’
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Sign
Outside a New York Convalescent Home there is a sign: ‘For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church…’
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Ladies
Notice in a church hall where a sale of second-hand clothes was in progress: ‘Ladies may have a fit upstairs.’
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Judgement?
This true story concerns the visit of a visiting preacher to a little village chapel… ‘He was a few minutes into his sermon when, without warning, about twenty square feet of thick and decayed Victorian plaster fell from high on one wall and crashed into a group of empty pews below. As the dense fog of dust began to settle, and it became clear no one was injured, the minister prepared to resume his sermon. Then he paused, and looked heavenward and in a slightly pained voice, asked: “Was it something I said?”’
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Don’t die
The vicar announced: “I am sure that you will not wish to overwork our visiting priest while I am on holiday, and will keep funerals to a minimum.”
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Advantages of marriage
Marriage is a very good way to promote civilisation – according to Socrates, if you get a good partner, you will be happy; if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.
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With Valentine’s Day in mind…how do you define love?
A group of 4-to-8-year-olds was once asked: ‘What does love mean?’ The answers they gave were surprising for their depth of insight….
- “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8
- “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4
- “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
- “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your chips, without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6
- “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
- “Love is when mum makes coffee for my dad and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7
- “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mum and Dad are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily – age 8
- “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.” Nikka – age 6 (We need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
“My mummy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” – Clare, aged 6
“Love is when mummy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.” – Elaine – age 5
“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day” Mary Ann – age 4
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Little Teapot
Our new curate had young children and they insisted he choose for his screensaver a picture of a dancing teapot, playing the children’s song ‘I’m a Little Teapot’. When the earnest young HR officer for the diocese came to call, she sent back a message to the bishop: “The curate may be suffering from an identity disorder.”
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Answer to prayer
A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren’t answered. So after a few weeks, he didn’t bother to ask anymore.
Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mum in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies. The little boy stood still for a moment, and then cautiously observed: “It’s a good thing I stopped praying when I did.”
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Seen in a church pewsheet:
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a crèche downstairs.
Next Friday the church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Do come along!
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Church-speak
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that
of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JUSTICE: When your children grow up and have children of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Anglicans can recognise, besides gyros and baklava.
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What NOT to give her for Valentine’s Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged, because you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any food item with the words: ‘diet’, ‘light’, or ‘high fibre’ on the label.
- Any household appliance or power tool.
- A gift certificate.
- Cash.
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Talking theologically…
Jesus asked His disciples who men said that He was. And one of His disciples replied: “Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.”
And Jesus said, “er – What?”
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Miscellaneous observations on life…
Marriage licence – the only permit taken out after the hunt is over.
It’s easy finding reasons why other folks should be patient.
Families are often like fudge – mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to overtake them.
You can’t have everything – where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Advert in newspaper: Home computer, as new. Never been figured out.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
The trouble with referees is that they just don’t care which side wins.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you teach a loved one to drive?
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Don’t blame her!
The famous author Alexander Dumas once grumbled: “Woman inspires us to great things, and then prevents us from achieving them.”
Sigmund Freud did NOT know it all, as he freely admitted. He once wrote: “The great
question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?’
